And so another chapter closes...

January 23, 2008, 2:30 PM (PST): Fred Smith passed away today from cancer. In less than 2 months time, his life went from the normal 6 day work week to hospital trips to hospice care at home.

I've come to learn one thing. Hospice care means you will die soon. For some, it's best that it's sooner than later. That means they can't really do anything else for you but make you comfortable.

In the end, I realized that this was just the way it was meant to be. Fred married my mom, they gave birth to me, they got divorced, I was adopted by my step-dad, I grew up, we saw each other once again, we talked a few times, and now he's gone. Once upon a time I was angry with him. Then I realized that he did the right thing for me. I like who I am and I'd be different if he was more a part of my life. That much I am certain of. I feel... something, just not sure what that is. My heart goes out to Jason and Brian. You shouldn't lose your young (62) father at their age. They were close to him, Jason more so than Brian. I'd like to believe that Fred did that to make up for his regrets.

I really don't care about the "truth" of what transpired 35 years or so ago. It doesn't matter. Recent actions speak volumes. Back then you legally could not be a part of my life, that was signed away. You had your chance to be a friend, and that just didn't work out. We're the same, yet very different. He was happy with his life, so I can't compare my life to his. I've accomplished more in 20 years professionally than he did in 40, but that really doesn't matter. It doesn't make me better than him because that's not what he was about.

One thing that I've learned in life is that it really is all just about being happy with who you are and what you are doing. I'm driven to "fix" things. I work hard and I play hard. I've earned that much.

Like it or not, you're in my blood. I'm glad your suffering is over and that it went quickly for your sake and for theirs. I'm sorry that they didn't have the time to really prepare for this, but life is funny that way. I lost Dan in the blink of an eye... and that took time to recover from.

I love my wife. She is my anchor. I know this wasn't easy for her since it's only been a year since her father passed away. At least now there are no more dad's to die...

The year will get better from here.

26 days...

26 days until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. I just had to say it...

It's hard to focus on other sports when I know Spring is almost here, rings will be delivered, and the madness will start all over again. The only thing that will distract me is selection Sunday in a month from now.

Mmmm... March Madness in High Def.

And yes, we will be going to a game at Fenway this summer. Even if it kills me.

Surviving the end of 2007

What started out to be a relaxing and quiet end to the year made some interesting turns right at the finish. My wife had some late night pains last Saturday. After a few hours, she realized that she needed to go to the ER. That was a good thing, ended up she had gall stones and they had to do emergency surgery Sunday afternoon. New Years eve for her was in bed early (after getting released from the hospital late that afternoon) with a couple of oxycodine. She's doing much better a week later, but needs to take things slow for a while.

I made the commitment to run the Eugene Marathon. I'm excited about it. The course basically lays out the trails and roads that I ran on 20+ years ago when I was at South Eugene. I wanted to do a race down there last year, but held off since the one I wanted to do was a tough course (Butte to Butte). This is my homecoming. In some regards, this is more special to me than Boston. This is where the next Olympians will be chosen. Eugene is the true birthplace for running and this race is in the footsteps of legends. The spirits of Pre, Bill and Tom McChesney, and Bowerman are all along this course. The likes of Salazar, Chappa, Decker-Slaney, Manley, Dillinger, and a host of others past and present ran these roads and trails.

Now, if I only could get my hands on a SEHS Axeman singlet...

Footnote: Quick update on my birth father. Seems like the years of working in the auto environment has caught up to him. He has cancer, most likely caused by exposure to asbestos brake pad dust combined with second hand smoke, gasoline and diesel exhaust. They say he may have a few months with treatment, but I'm still thinking that it's going to be more like a few weeks. I made my peace with myself, that's all that matters to me.

40

Really, it's just a number... a large number. Twice the size of 20, yet only half of 80. Supposedly it once rained for 40 days and 40 nights. It's not as magical a number as "3". 40 minutes is a good time for a 10k. 40 minutes is the clock time for NCAA Basketball games.

40 is now my age. Fortunately, it is also NOT my waist size. If it was my inseam, then I'd be an NBA superstar... or at least sitting on the bench making millions.

My wonderful wife started off the weekend by taking me to Nordies for some shopping (personal shoppers rock!). She spoiled me there and spent a LOT on new clothes for me. I took off (kicked out???) early Saturday morning for Mt. Hood Meadows with some friends. A whole day of snowboarding on some great powder. I come home to find the front of the house decorated with balloons, a giant 40, and some streamers. The inside has been decorated, cleaned, food set up, lots of beer and wine. She'd spent the whole day getting the house ready for this surprise. No one has ever done anything remotely like this for me before. My mom was already there, my best friend Greg would soon arrive. Stinky Court, people that I am close to at work, my neighbors (the good ones), and the beer man. It was the right people, the perfect setting, and it was all done by Buff.

She's exhausted this morning, and has certainly earned some rest time. She didn't have to do all of that for me, but I am so very, very grateful for what she did. I feel special and am very grateful to have her in my life.

Buffy, I can't thank you enough for the wonderful, wonderful birthday!!!

Changes in attitude...

It's winter in Oregon. Know how I can tell? Mt. Hood turns all white and the temptations of fresh powder overwhelm the urge to be a productive citizen and work. I gave into said temptations last Thursday and was rewarded with some great powder and a chance to clear my head of the latest drama.

For anyone that reads this, you'll note a change in the title of my blog. It's no longer the Road to Boston 2008, but now more of the Quest for Boston. I will BQ someday. It may be this year, or next, or some other year. Obsessing about it won't get me there any faster. I could run Valentine's (VM) and probably qualify, but the way I feel today is that the training to get there will interfere with the need to be in the snow. I passed on a great season last year because I felt I couldn't miss my long ride or long run on the weekend. Life is too short. Besides, VM doesn't excite me much. Eugene Marathon, however, does. It's where I became a runner. The route is one I could do with my eyes closed.

Back to the drama...

I have this not so unusual birth defect called a father. Everyone has one. Some of us have 2. Many have one that was never a part of their life. I had one that was great to me and was always a part of my life. When he passed away, it was hard on me even though he was my step-father. But on my birth certificate, he was my legal father. In many ways, he treated me better than his own, but not because he wanted it to be that way. His gravestone, and the way that I will always remember him says "Loving Father".

Enter the "sperm donor"... (thanks Nicole for the title!)

I have some memories of spending time with him as a child... 35 years ago. They were good. Since then I can say that we have not spoken 35 times. He's called on my birthday maybe a half dozen or so times. Basically, he's not a part of my life. Ever. And I would like to keep it that way.

Last week I got a call from his ex (#2) that he was in the hospital, possibly with cancer. Something that I should know at least... hey, guess what, there's a history of this shit in my family... great... They were supposed to call back, and I guess I could call, but I have principles. If you say you will call, then call... otherwise don't make yet another promise that you can't keep. I feel bad for my half brothers. They are close to him. However, even though I have tried in the past to be a part of that family, I am not.

My father, the man who raised me, the man who I respect greatly passed away in 2005 the day after fathers day. I wish this other person the best of health, but unless you actively involve me in your life, I'd rather stay out of it. LIfe's too short for your BS. I'm going boarding.

Gobble, Gobble...

Beth had her second surgery on her sinus last week. All seems to be going well. We need to not be so competitive... now we're even with the surgeries, although hers was a bit more invasive since it involved drilling and scraping in her head.

Took some time off from work and actually didn't do any work at home! It was a first, and it was much needed. Hopefully I'll get my groove on next week and get caught up on some things.

I'm ready for the snow to come. I'm not running at CIM, so I'm slowly going to rebuild things and shoot for Valentine's Marathon. I can use some snowboarding right about now...

(Re)Building confidence

Recovering from a bad race sucks. First you have the physical healing. Some things heal quickly, others take time. Some you can run through, others you physically cannot. Even once you get through the physical aspects, there's the mental part...

Until this last week, my recovery from Portland has been slow and tough. I'm still working through everything, but until just recently, I was some damaged goods (mentally). No confidence, wallowing in defeat. The cure is running and getting back to form, but when the body doesn't allow that, the mental side festers.

The good new is that I'm back in action. Two tempo runs over 6 miles @ just over 7 min pace. One long 16.5 miler (first half and second half splits were within 30 seconds). The speed isn't quite there yet, but I'm not certain that will be an issue. I logged over 40 miles this week, most of it was very positive.

To CIM or not to CIM. That is the question. I believe if I can get over the mental issues, I can break through on the physical side. I'm 90% there... but in marathoning, the last 10% is all guts and I still have just a small glimmer of doubt. Can I gut out the last 10k if I run the first 20 smartly? If I run it like I did today over 16.5, then the answer is yes.