Thursday, January 24, 2008

And so another chapter closes...

January 23, 2008, 2:30 PM (PST): Fred Smith passed away today from cancer. In less than 2 months time, his life went from the normal 6 day work week to hospital trips to hospice care at home.

I've come to learn one thing. Hospice care means you will die soon. For some, it's best that it's sooner than later. That means they can't really do anything else for you but make you comfortable.

In the end, I realized that this was just the way it was meant to be. Fred married my mom, they gave birth to me, they got divorced, I was adopted by my step-dad, I grew up, we saw each other once again, we talked a few times, and now he's gone. Once upon a time I was angry with him. Then I realized that he did the right thing for me. I like who I am and I'd be different if he was more a part of my life. That much I am certain of. I feel... something, just not sure what that is. My heart goes out to Jason and Brian. You shouldn't lose your young (62) father at their age. They were close to him, Jason more so than Brian. I'd like to believe that Fred did that to make up for his regrets.

I really don't care about the "truth" of what transpired 35 years or so ago. It doesn't matter. Recent actions speak volumes. Back then you legally could not be a part of my life, that was signed away. You had your chance to be a friend, and that just didn't work out. We're the same, yet very different. He was happy with his life, so I can't compare my life to his. I've accomplished more in 20 years professionally than he did in 40, but that really doesn't matter. It doesn't make me better than him because that's not what he was about.

One thing that I've learned in life is that it really is all just about being happy with who you are and what you are doing. I'm driven to "fix" things. I work hard and I play hard. I've earned that much.

Like it or not, you're in my blood. I'm glad your suffering is over and that it went quickly for your sake and for theirs. I'm sorry that they didn't have the time to really prepare for this, but life is funny that way. I lost Dan in the blink of an eye... and that took time to recover from.

I love my wife. She is my anchor. I know this wasn't easy for her since it's only been a year since her father passed away. At least now there are no more dad's to die...

The year will get better from here.

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